Magical Toothbrushes and Kitchen Fires
by Onirei Kirara
Summary: One day Our favorite vampperson Vincent is trying to enjoy cheese when he finds out that the DEAD HAVE BEEN RESSURECTED. And Sephiroth wears a 'Kiss the cook' apron. Chapter 12: Sephiroth's brothers plan to visit and he's not too happy about it.
1. Toothbrushes Rock!

**Greetings, peoples! Ah, yeah. This is a FFVII story. Yup. I know, shocker.**

**I haven't actually played the game, so forgive me if some things are off. Also, most people will be OOC 'cuz it's crazy humor. **

**Most chapters will be pretty short but I'll keep them coming. Am I forgetting anything...?**

**Vincent: You don't own us.**

**Onirei: But I own you! I swear!**

* * *

Vincent liked to get up in the middle of the night and have a snack. As it happened, this particular night he had an especially vicious hankering for Swiss cheese. So he put on his bunny slippers and crept down the stairs silently, avoiding the squeaky parts.

Once he got into the kitchen, he opened the refrigerator and took out the last piece of pre-sliced Swiss cheese. Wondering idly if Swiss cheese was mined in Switzerland by pretty blonde Swiss ladies, he went to take a bite.

"Boo."

He dropped his cheese on the floor. "Cloud?" he screeched. "Don't do that! Your bed-head is positively frightening!"

"This coming from the man who sleeps in a coffin? And nice slippers, by the way." Cloud responded, raising an eyebrow.

"To each his own," Vincent sniffed, bending over to pick up the cheese.

"Or, 'her'."

"…………." Was all Vincent could manage. "Cloud…." He asked. "Are you becoming a _feminist_?"

"No," Cloud sighed. "I was just thinking about Aeris, and then I couldn't get to sleep (ridden with angst as I was) so I decided to go outside and look at the full moon for a while. And now I'm talking to you, Mr. Pink Bunny Slippers-Swiss Cheese Man."

"I'm continually astounded by these nicknames that you come up with for me, Cloud." He opened his mouth to eat the now partially warm cheese.

"So you can be depressed about Aeris, but not me?" said an indignant voice behind them.

Vincent dropped his cheese again. Cloud's already bed-headed hair spiked up.

"Z-Z-Z-Z-ack?" Cloud stuttered.

"You really need to work on that stuttering problem, Cloud." Zack replied. "You've had it since we were little."

"B-But, I thought Sephiroth….decapitated you!"

Zack laughed. "Nope, I just got a particularly bad case of influenza. Sephiroth was forcefeeding me that nasty grape-flavored medicine. I hate that stuff, it tastes like….."

"So how were you resurrected, Zack?" Vincent asked, kneeling to pick up his cheese.

"It was amazing! I was resurrected by the magical, sparkling, toothbrush of resurrecty-ness-ness!"

"I knew the author shouldn't have had those honey-nut Cheerios," Vincent muttered.

"Wha'd you say?" Cloud asked.

"Uh…I said, 'I'm going to go outside and work on my tan.'"

"No you didn't," Zack said.

"It doesn't matter!" Vincent snapped. "So when were you resurrected?"

"Last Tuesday," he stated.

"'Ya know, none of this is really connecting." Cloud rubbed his temples.

"That's okay Cloud!" Zack grinned. "Big sword, small brain."

"But…it's your sword."

"Ah….forgot about that."

Vincent tuned them out and focused on his lovely cheese, until he felt a tap on his shoulder. He whipped around, dropped his cheese, and screamed like a little girl. For standing behind him was none other then Sephiroth himself.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I thought you were dead!"

"Toothbrushes rock," he said. "Hey look, cheese!"

"You—you…..!" Cloud began.

"Again with the stuttering!" Zack sighed. "It's called annunciation, Cloud."

"You killed Aeris!" Cloud blurted out.

Sephiroth looked momentarily shocked, before bursting into tears. "I'm sorry!" he wailed. My mommy always told me to hold my 12-foot sword downwards, but I didn't! I'm sorry!" he picked up the cheese and ate it.

"NOO! MY CHEESE!"

Sephiroth found himself staring down the barrels of the Death Penalty and Peacemaker.

"Vincent, I don't know about you, but my mommy always told me not to play with loaded guns." Sephiroth tutted.

Vincent turned an odd hue of maroon.

"Um….guys?" All four men turned around.

Aeris twirled a lock of her hair and smiled softly at Cloud.

"Toothbrushes rock!" Cloud exclaimed, and rushed over to her.

"Cheese……" Vincent pouted.

--To be continued!

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**Feel free to correct me on my mistakes. In any case, review!**

**Vincent: Cheese...**


	2. Red's NAKED!

**Thank you all so much for the reviews! They make me so happy. (wails)**

**Shigure-Chan: Well, Sephiroth is insane, isn't he? But I guess a sword bigger than you would be difficult to handle….**

**Hermionehobbit: Tell Panda a caught that reading it the second time through and choked on my own spit.**

**darkmistressofhate: Wow, that's quite a compliment. :P Hell is very funny, from what I've heard from those who've been there. But it's also hot and dry and bad for your skin. Sephiroth wouldn't like it much. **

**Zeraphic Triomis: Wow, cool username! I know well how awful that stuff tastes, as I got sick a lot when I was little.**

**KoinuSephiroth: Yup, toothbrush. Maybe I _shouldn't_ have had three bowls of honey-nut Cheerios before writing that. O.O**

**whatevergirl: Zack loves you for pitying him, and as such gives you free hairgel.**

**The Hot Mage Aeris: Cute? Thanks. :)**

**Squiggles: Vincent wonders if you have any spare Swiss at your house. ;)**

**Disclaimer: Sephiroth has my PS2 dangling out the window, so I have to say I don't own him.**

**I'm sorry this chapter is shorter than the first. The next one is longer!

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"HAHA!" Vincent laughed. "No more going downstairs to get a snack in the middle of the night!"

The members of the household had decided that Vincent's night-time snacking habits were a problem. Vincent was naturally quiet, but for some reason he couldn't be quiet on purpose and always ended up waking everyone. After Sephiroth had threatened to disembowel Vincent with his hairdryer, they'd decided to do something about it.

Aeris had suggested they put a lock on the outside of Vincent's door, but Vincent objected to this. Some people say, Sephiroth might think it was funny to lock him in there for a while. After brainstorming for a while, they decided to just get him his own fridge and stock it with the weirdest things they could think of.

Vincent was actually quite happy with this. While he was a bit upset that the fridge didn't come in black like the rest of his room, it beat seeing Sephiroth every night with his facial cream on. He shuddered at the thought.

However, they still had the problem of getting it upstairs.

"Why does Vincent live in the attic, anyways?" Zack asked. He had just come back from surfing, and was thus rather wet.

"Because you ingrates won't let me stay anywhere else!"

"Hey, it's either that, or you stay in the same room as Sephiroth," Cloud said, unwrapping the fridge.

"…….I like the attic."

"Good boy." Yuffie reached up and patted him on the head.

Red trotted in the room, because the author needs a plot device.

"AHHHHHH!" Sephiroth screeched. "He's nude!"

Cloud rolled his eyes. "He's a wolf, Seph. He's always naked"

Zack raised his hand. "I shower naked!"

Tifa groaned. "I think that's pretty safe to assume, Zack. Can we move the fridge now?"

Cloud glared at the box. "I can't get this piece 'o box off. Go get the scissors, someone."

"No! Not the scissors!" Sephiroth clutched his hair in horror.

* * *

"And…why is he living with us again?" Vincent asked Cloud.

"Well, this is a problem," Cloud commented.

After dragging the fridge up 37 steps, it wouldn't fit through the attic door.

* * *

1:37 AM

Vincent had the sudden urge to eat **pickles and mustard**. He opened the door to his room, stepped out, and tripped on the refrigerator cord strung across from one end of the hallway to another.

"Dang-blast it!" Sephiroth screeched, cucumbers flying off of his eyes. "What is that noise?"

--To be continued!

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**Sephiroth was scared of the scissors before I read the fic, 'Why Waist Length?' You should check it out, it's hilarious.**

**Review:D**


	3. Insanity reigns

**Oh wow, 17 reviews? You guys make me so happy! goes on glomping spree I'm not feeling too good today, due to the fact that I had my braces tightened and my space key is stuck…but you guys make me feel much better. Thankies. :)**

**whatevergirl: Why didn't Zack dry off? You inspired me! Now you can read about it at the end of the chapter. Yeah, Sephiroth loves his hair.**

**ultima821: Thanks gr8ly!**

**Shigure-chan: I agree. (clutches hair)**

**Gentle Clouds of Time: Vincent loves you because you love cheese. **

**KoinuSephiroth: Frankly I can't choose between them. XD Thanks for the review!**

**xCR1MSON-T3ARSx: Randomness is the greatest inspiration.**

**Zeraphic Triomis: Don't worry, Vincent likes it up there. Kinda. Woot! I have converted someone to a grape-medicine hater!**

**Sesshy is sexii: HAHA! Glad you think Sephiroth wears it too. It's obvious, I think. On a side note, Sesshy IS sexii!**

**Sqiggles: Vincent like American Cheese too, he says. :)**

**Crud, the space bar keeps getting stuck and sppppaacccing…O.o Ah well, here's the chapter!**

**

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"Alright, guys!" Cloud shouted. "I'm going to go pick up Vincent from the hospital now! Anyone wanna come with?"

Aeris walked into the room. "I'll come with you, Cloud. But you've only got a motorcycle. What are we going to bring Vincent home in?"

Cloud and Aeris rode off on Fenrir, trailing behind them a wagon that was going faster then any other wagon had ever gone.

* * *

"Lose, lose! I always lose!" Zack pouted at the TV screen. "Pounded by a guy in tights." He chucked the Tales of Symphonia game case backwards, which bounced harmlessly off Yuffie's head.

"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude! Did you know the pope, like, died?"

"The pope died quite a while ago, Yuffie." Red replied from the easy chair.

"Whaz a pope?" Zack asked.

"It's this guy that wears a dress and this teeny-tiny hat and kisses babies." Yuffie nodded assertively. "But the new pope looks scary. I wouldn't want him kissing my baby."

"You have a baby?"

Yuffie threw the TOS case back at him. " I was being hyper-thetical!"

"Red twitched. "Hypothetical, you mean?"

* * *

"Soooooooo….why exactly have you called a house meeting, Sephiroth?" Tifa asked.

"Because I have finally isolated where the problem in this house lies," he responded.

Zack muttered something under his breath. Apparently Red caught it, because he seemed to be having trouble controlling his snickers.

Sephiroth's green eyes glittered daggers at Zack. The glare would have knocked out most normal people, but then again, Zack was an idiot.

"As I was saying, the problem is…we have too many sane people in this house. Now that Cloud, Vincent and Aeris are out of the house, we'll be fine!"

"B-but who's gonna cook for me?" Zack wailed.

"I can cook!" Sephiroth grinned.

* * *

"T-that was….the ride of my life." Vincent's eyes were wide as dinner plates.

"We did have a rather close encounter with that petroleum truck." Aeris commented.

Vincent un-stuck himself from the wagon and glared at Cloud. "Can I see your license?"

Cloud, blatantly ignoring Vincent, jangled through his keys, then opened the door.

"Holy…..what's that smell?"

Red ran out the door, his tail on fire. Tifa followed, her face covered in soot. "Welcome back, sane people!" she cried.

After THAT ride, Vincent severely questioned Tifa's statement.

* * *

--To be continued!

**Ever wondered why Zack dripped all over the carpet last chapter and thus incurred the wrath of Tifa?

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**

"Woot! Surfing is like—uh---hmm…" Zack sat, at loss a word to describe his favorite sport. "AWESOME! Yeah, that's it. AWESOME!"

Zack got the grotesque image of Vincent criticizing his limited vocabulary stuck in his head. As such, he had to shake it viciously too get it out.

"HA! Vincent. He can go to heck and eat his dumb cheese for all I care."

Zack hefted himself off the beach, grabbed his towel, and prepared to go shower off. That's when he spotted the volleyball girls.

Now any sane female knows that men don't think with their brains. Some say they don't _have_ brains to think with. (Though Zack may have an excuse, with all that hair weighing down his head and all.) But if Zack had been thinking, he would have known that he should not leave his towel by itself, as it may be stolen by a monkey in a tutu.

By the time Zack came back, soaked with seawater thrown by angry female athletes, the towel was long gone. He looked for it, but gave up after his two-minute attention span ended. Ah well. He wouldn't have wanted it back after that monkey was done with it anyways.

--Owari

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**Please review! And as many questions as you like, because they give me ideas.:D**


	4. The tights strike again!

**Sorry for the late update, but I was sick as a dog. Thank you soooooo much for all of the reviews, though. They made me feel so much better!**

**The Hot Mage Aeris: So I guess I'm not the only one who gets cold in the shower? O.o Scary.**

**xCR1MSON-T3ARSx: Yup. Vincent got to know the stairs quite well that night.**

**whatevergirl: Sephiroth has cooking---issues.**

**Shigure-chan: Controlling the food with his mind? Oh, that's good. (plots) Wish I'd thought of it...**

**darkmistressofhate: Well, being sane is no fun. You have to worry about money and jobs and stuff. **

**Zeraphic Triomis: I'm sure Sephiroth would gladly cook you stuff, you just may not want to eat it. O.o**

**MAKUBEX-KUN: Thanks! A lot of people seem to be anticipating Sephiroth's cooking—it's not much.(sweat) Now I must add more of it.**

**Yoshiko-chan: Vincent broke a few bones on the way down the stairs. But he was happy at the hospital because the food was better than what he ate at home.**

**Sesshy is sexii: W00t! A TOS fan! One of my favorite games of all time. I'm on my 4th playthough.**

**Squiggles: Well, Cloud has very good reflexes. The wagon will never be the same again, though.**

**There are a lot of breaks in this chappy. Just a style I wanted to try out. .

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**

Cloud ventured carefully into the smoke-filled house. Tifa grabbed Vincent's cloak, and much to his chagrin, wiped her sooty face all over it.

Being in the house was practically like being blind. Cloud felt his way around, trying to find the kitchen, when something hit him in the head.

* * *

"Dagnabbit!" Zack cried. "What is with these super-villains and their tights?"

* * *

Cloud kicked the offending Star Ocean case out of his way and proceeded to the kitchen.

The kitchen was even worse. Cloud vaguely remembered something about it not being good to inhale smoke, but it was a little fuzzy. Then again, everything was kind of fuzzy at the moment. Hmmmm..

* * *

"Alright, he's been in there too long." Vincent declared. "Where's the fire, Tifa?"

"Uh, I believe it's contained in the oven." She blinked. "Don't tell me you're going in there?"

He nodded. "Yup. With this handy fire extinguisher, I shall put it out!"

Vincent threw off his cloak dramatically, and entered the house, leaving Tifa, Aeris and Red to wonder where he got the fire extinguisher from.

* * *

"I'm telling you, it's not right, Yuffie!" Zack screeched. "I mean, they're tights!"

"More like thigh-highs, actually," Yuffie responded. "Hey, wait a minute. Are you insulting Albel? MY Albel?"

Zack gave her a level look. "Yuffie, he's a video game character. In a skirt."

"…You have a point. Hey, do you smell smoke?"

"Err…" Zack sniffed around. "No, I don't smell anything."

* * *

Five minutes later, Aeris ran into the house, which was now completely on fire. (Waiting is quite frustrating.) When she got into the kitchen, she found Vincent battling with the stove, Sephiroth sobbing into his 'Kiss the Cook' apron, and Cloud passed out on the floor.

"Normally I like setting fires!" Sephiroth bawled. "I mean, with the whole Nibelheim thing. But that was my soufflé'!"

Aeris picked Cloud up, and grabbed Sephiroth by the hair, dragging him out of the room.

* * *

Vincent emerged from the house a short while after Aeris. "Okay, fire's out," he declared. "I don't think your soufflé made it, though."

Sephiroth sulked.

Tifa wondered how the heck Vincent put the fire out.

"Uh, guys? Where are Zack and Yuffie?" Red asked.

* * *

"HAHAHA!" Yuffie cackled. "Albel OWNS you!"

Zack threw down his controller in defeat. "Okay Yuffie, you win again. Geeze, it's kinda hot in here."

"Move your butt, Zack," Tifa said. "We're setting up fans."

"Good idea," Yuffie commented. "It's smokin' hot."

--Owari

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**Did I spell Nibelheim right?(sweat) At any case, I promise lots more of Sephiroth's cooking later on to make up for the lack of it.**

**Does anyone here know Albel? I luvvies him.**

**Review pweeze!**


	5. In which Cloud stresses

**Thirty-eight reviews! (dies of happiness)**

**Sorry it took so long again for me to update. I have no excuses. T.T**

**AkanoYume: Albel fan? (glomp) Well, that makes one of us who knows where it came from.**

**D-chi: 'Nother Albel fan? (more glompage) The guy with the tights was Yggdrassil, though I suppose it was technically a bodysuit.. Just a little bit? More than a littlebit, methinks. **

**Sqiggles: It just makes them more fun to look at:D **

**Vincent: CHEEESE! (eats stick and cheese)**

**Onirei: Eh, how'd you get out of the kennel?**

**Sesshy is sexii: Thankies much! I still haven't gotten around to writing the planned side story about Sephy and his apron. T.T I'll do it eventually!**

**whatevergirl: I'm not exactly sure, actually. O.o I have yet to eat one.**

**Zeraphic Triomis: I'd get you a picture, but I have no clue how the linkin works here. Any help would be appreciated. T.T**

**Shigure-chan: Sephy will eventually control food with his mind! I promise! (sweat)**

**Without further adieu—Did I write that last time?**

**

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**

After the little 'incident' with the kitchen fire, the house was quite thoroughly blackened. Seeing as how they couldn't afford to live anywhere else, (Cloud paid all of the bills) they had to continue living in the charred house that was structurally, electrically, and plumbilically unstable. Bits of kitchen fell onto Vincent's head whenever he walked through, when Yuffie plugged in her precious PS2 it shorted out in a shower of sparks, and the last time Zack flushed the toilet—well, maybe we won't go into that. Needless to say, it was a miserable experience, living there, and Cloud was fed up with it.

"That's IT!" Cloud screamed out. Everyone stared at him, that is, everyone except Zack. (He was being revived by Aeris, as he had eaten too many pieces of the ceiling.)

"I am SICK and TIRED of being the only one who does anything around here! I'm leaving for work. By the time I come back, if you all haven't found jobs, you're OUT OF HERE!"

A light bulb fell to the floor.

Cloud coughed. "Well, that's it. Good-bye!" And without further ado, he plopped on his Wendys cap and went out the front door. Or what was left of it.

Zack sat up suddenly, spitting out phoenix feathers. "Heeey! I had a dream I ate the ceiling!"

"That wasn't a dream," Aeris informed him.

"Oh great. What am I going to do?" Vincent moaned.

"Well, I know I'm not doing manual labor," Sephiroth opened up the newspaper. There was an ad reading:

Old lady requiring assistance

Needs to be manually moved to go shopping, play bingo, take over the world, etc.

Applicants call IAM-0GE-NOVA.

Sephiroth swallowed hard and broke out in a cold sweat.

"Heey, that phone number looks familiar," Vincent muttered.

"Waz going on?" Zack asked.

Aeris sighed. "We have to find jobs," she told him.

Zack grinned. "I know what I can be!"

Vincent glared at him. "No Zack, you cannot be a stripper."

Zack ran away sobbing.

"Ah, poor Zack. Vincent, you ruined his dream," Tifa told him.

Aeris got up off the floor and smoothed her skirt. Well, I 'm going to apply for a job at Wendys. Be back later." She walked through the front door, or what was left of it.

"Benefits of being spiky-head's girlfriend," Yuffie muttered. I'm going to try and work at Pizza Hut! Because I LOVE PIZZA!"

"Yeah, it's starting to show." Vincent cackled.

Yuffie threw the coffee table at him. She missed and successfully managed to knock down what was left of the stair rail.

"Good-bye!" she snarled, and walked through the front door. Or what was left of it.

"Well, I'm off," Tifa said. "Zack and I can apply for positions as karate instructors."

"Make sure he keeps his gi on." Vincent commented.

"Ha-ha." Tifa grabbed Zack, and they exited through the front door. Or what was left of it.

"Gen-o-va…" Sephiroth lay twitching on the floor.

Vincent sat there for a little while, trying to get his hair like Brian's from Quest 64 with Zack's hairgel. It wasn't working.

Sephiroth twitched again.

Vincent idly poked him with a random stick. It didn't seem to wake him up.

"Sephiroth?" Vincent asked. "Seephirothhhhh….Sephiroth..I am your FATHER!"

Sephiroth bolted up. "WHAT?"

"Ah..not really. But I did date your mother."

A light bulb appeared over Sephiroth's head. Well, actually, it fell from the ceiling and hit him in the head. But that doesn't matter.

"That's it!" Sephiroth squealed. "You and I can start a dating service!"

Red, sensing danger, bolted for the front door and crashed into what was left of it.

--To be continued!

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**Please review! Just so you know, Reno is going to appearing soon, so any information about him would be appreciated. I don't know that much.**


	6. Is that a man or a woman?

**So sorry! I know I should have updated sooner! I have no excuse! (Well, except for the fact that I was in Ohio visiting my grandparents for a few days. They have HIGH-SPEED internet! EEP!)**

**Ahem. I HAVE FIFTY REVIEWS! As such, you all get samples of Sephy's cooking I forced him to make for you. You may have to have it examined first.**

**(Sephy): Bwaha.**

**Kathya: Thanks so much! I'm glad you like it.**

**Genismithos: Yes, he is! Especially when he's sitting on the table in the Aquios Castle conference room…**

**Shigure-chan: Yes, Sephiroth does squeal! Evilly, though. They just didn't put it in the game. Maybe it'll be in the movie.**

**Sqiggles: Um, if they do, then that explains why the supervillians with tights are not ninjas. Yes, you may poke Cloud.**

**(Cloud): HEY!**

**xCR1MS0N-T3ARSx****: Um, I never thought about ending it. Hmm….let's not think about it. :P**

**Kao: Nuu! I don't deserve the cookies. **

**(Vincent): No, she really doesn't.**

**Ookami Aya: Actually, I was pretty clueless. :P Thanks for letting me know.**

**D-chi: Reno has an—interesting job. You'll find out in the next chappy.**

**Sesshy is sexii: D'oh! Ugh, I can't believe I did that! Yes—jobs. Horrible things.**

**whatevergirl: Red is a barber. No, seriously. He ain't touching my hair.**

**Zeraphic Triomis: The perfect match! (gives you Zack)**

**(Zack): HEY!**

**DarkMistressofHate: Maybe so, but it has to be influenced before it goes random. Otherwise, I'll sleep all day.**

**ONWARD, FICCY!**

* * *

"You—want to start a dating service?"

Sephiroth nodded. "Yup! It worked for that e-harmony guy. Although the site didn't do anything for me. I didn't get any hits!"

Vincent sighed. "You didn't happen to put in your 'interests' description that you enjoy decapitating people, setting fire to villages, torturing certain blond-haired angsty teenagers, and ultimately causing the bloody demise of cute, fluffy things, did you?"

"…….Er…"

"…"

"…"

"Here, you have light bulb glass in your hair. Let me get it out."

"Thank you."

* * *

Meanwhile…

Zack sniffled. "I can't believe that they wouldn't let me work there!"

"Well, the fact that you slept through most of the interview probably didn't leave a very good impression."

"Well, Tifa, if you would have WOKEN ME UP that wouldn't have happened!"

"Hey, you were my competition and 'I' got the job because of it." Tifa grinned evilly.

Zack sniffed. "Well, it doesn't matter, because I know I can kick your butt any day!"

Tifa bristled. "Can not!"

"Can too."

"CAN NOT!"

"CAN TOO!"

* * *

Sephiroth drummed his fingers loudly on the 'help' desk. Vincent had lost their game of 'Soul Calibur II' to determine who did what, so he was currently out on the streets advertising for them, wearing a giant heart.

A few minutes later Vincent approached with a teenage—girl? Boy? Girl?

Sephiroth hated it when he couldn't tell.

"Hey, Sephiroth!" Vincent said. "This young boy says he has some love problems."

Sephiroth shifted around in his chair. "Okay then, what's your name, kid?"

"Yuki Sohma," the boy replied.

"And the name of your object of affections?"

"Tohru Honda."

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes. "Why does all of this sound so familiar…?"

"Stop!" A shrill voice commanded from somewhere behind Vincent's huge costume. Yuki blanched.

A taller, slightly less feminine-looking figure in a baggy pink kimono popped out from—somewhere, and grabbed Yuki's ear.

"YUKI! What do you think you're doing? Why aren't you back at the main house with ME?"

"Ah—Akito, I was just—"

"That's it! We're going back. Now!"

Akito then proceeded to drag Yuki down the street. By his ear.

Vincent and Sephiroth exchanged glances.

"Okay…that was weird.." Vincent commented.

"Was that Akito a man or a woman?" Sephiroth asked.

"Beats me."

* * *

Someone stepped on Zack.

"HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!"

Then Zack remembered why he was laying unconscious on the sidewalk. Tifa had kicked him into a telephone pole.

"She—left me here?" He started bawling loudly. Someone handed him a tissue.

Zack took it. "Oh, dank you." He looked up. A familiar face with long, bright red hair looked back at him.

"Reno?"

* * *

Sephiroth poked Vincent. "Sooooo? How much did we make?"

"BE QUIET! I'M COUNTING!" Vincent snapped at him. "Umm…9—10—err,"

"Well?"

"$10.43"

Vincent and Sephiroth looked at each other.

"WOOHOO! WE'RE RICH!" they exclaimed gleefully.

* * *

--TBC

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**Review! And whoever guesses Reno's job gets Reno!**

**(Reno): HEY!**


	7. Disloyalty to your fast food chain

**Ack, well..first of all (passes out rotten tomatoes). Feel free to throw these at me. I've been a bad, lazy author. (pelted)**

**Second of all, ZOMGREVIEWSLUVLUVLUV! In accordance with new EVIL rule, I will not be able to respond to your reviews here. (snarls) However, umm, if you guys review I will respond to them individually. I will. (sweat)**

**I am using parentheses way too much. I demand asterisks.**

**OH, AND while I appreciate your guesses, none of you got Reno's job right. But you all get Reno anyways. (throws him out to the crowd)**

**

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****Chapter Seven: Disloyalty to your fast-food chain.**Vincent and Sephiroth immediately went out shopping. They returned home about an hour later with several large bags of candy. Everyone else was already home. 

"Hey, don't I know that guy?" Sephiroth inquired through a mouthful of licorice. He was pointing to Reno.

"You really have a bad memory, don't you?" Vincent asked.

* * *

"So..you want to stay here?" Cloud asked.

Reno nodded hopefully. "You see..I was kicked out of my apartment building."

Cloud raised an eyebrow. "And why would that be?"

"Weel, I kind of have a bad habit of leaving the shower running. With the drain closed. And one day I forgot about it completely and it flooded my entire floor."

Cloud somehow wasn't phased by this. "Are you currently employed?"

"Oh yes. I refill ATM machines."

Cloud sighed and rubbed his temples. He really didn't need anyone else living in here, but another source of income would be good. They needed to repair the house.

Aeris pulled on his shirt. "C'mon Cloud, let's let him stay. We can't leave him out on the street. Besides, our shower won't run for more than five minutes anyways.

Because Cloud turned into a pile of moldable Play-doh when Aeris asked him for anything, Reno was allowed to stay.

* * *

That night Vincent was ascending the stairs to his attic, thinking about the cashier that had called him and Sephiroth dweebs after they had dumped the candy and $10.43 onto the counter. Vincent is very sensitive. All of the sudden, someone jumped out in front of him!

"HI!" Rufus chirped.

Vincent sighed. "Let me guess. Toothbrush?"

Rufus' face fell. "How did you know?"

"I've had prior experiences."

After a household vote, Rufus was kicked out. They didn't need any more wackadoos in the house.

* * *

The next morning, everyone left for work except for Vincent, Sephiroth, Red, and Zack. Red was exempt (being an animal) and Cloud gave Zack another day (being the nice guy he is.)

"Your turn to be the giant heart," Vincent told Sephiroth.

* * *

During their self-given lunch break, Vincent and Sephiroth drove into the Wendy's parking lot on their bicycles. (Well, Sephiroth had a tricycle, but whatever.) They walked into the building. It smelled rather nice for a Wendy's, Vincent noted.

Cloud stood in the middle of the floor, holding a mop. He looked up.

"Sephiroth, you're not allowed to bring the tricycle in here," he said.

Sephiroth pouted and dragged it back out.

Vincent gawked at Cloud. "You've been working here for two years and you're the JANITOR?"

"NO! They just-found someone that could grill faster than me."

"Aeris."

"Yes."

Vincent smiled happily. "Yup, I remember when we had that barbeque. She was cooking the burgers faster than I could eat them. 'Course that might have had something to do with the fact that Tifa poured the whole can of lighter fluid on the grill."

Cloud scrubbed at the rubber marks near the entrance.

Vincent walked up to the counter and ordered food. Yes, food. Never would have guessed.

All of the sudden, there was a shriek from outside! Vincent would have dropped his food in shock if he hadn't steeled his reflexes from the cheese incident. So instead he stuffed it in his..hair, and ran towards the door. Sadly, he chose to ignore the 'wet floor' sign and ended up in a heap with Cloud's mop. (Cloud had already ran outside.)

By the time Vincent made it outside—ah, nothing was different. Cloud had apparently gone on lunch break to eat at McDonalds. Sephiroth was laying on the pavement with footprints all over his back.

"OH NUES!" Vincent gasped. "MURDER!"

"HEY, I'm not dead!" Sephiroth mumbled into the street. He peeled himself up. "Some crazy woman ran me over."

Vincent brought out his notebook and pipe. "What did she look like and what was she doing?"

"Well, she—hey, stop blowing bubbles in my face!"

"Sorry." Vincent put his pipe away.

"Anyways, this short lady with a camera and a pair of jeans that had holes the size of Canada in them was chasing Johnny Depp through here."

"JOHNNY DEPP? WHERE?"

Sephiroth stared at Vincent.

"Ehe, sorry. Come Watson, we must solve this mystery!" Vincent pulled out his bike from nowhere. "Get on! We are now detectives!"

"Uh, I thought we ran a dating service."

"That ship has sailed. Now get on."

"But, uh.."

"GET ON, WATSON, OR I SHALL BE FORCED TO BLOW SOAP BUBBLES IN YOUR FACE!"

"Coming…"

And Cloud sat happily next door enjoying his Big Mac.

--TBC

* * *

**Well, here's some explanations. The crazy lady who ran over Sephiroth is based off of my mother, who's a photographer and a Johnny Depp fanatic. She wears jeans with HUGE holes in the knees.**

**Nifty soap-bubble pipes to those who review! **


	8. The IQ of Cheeseballs

**Hello there, this is Onirei, coming in earlier than usual for an update. I know it's scary, but I'm on vacation. Benefits of being a homeschooler.**

**Then again, I don't get summer vacation…**

**But anyways, thank you all for the reviews! You may have noticed that I responded to you—I respond to everything. It's an obsessive-compulsive thing. (sweat)**

**So here's the chapter! Oh, and there's an extra story for this fic coming out today (or tomorrow) inspired by Kentucky Fly Chick. Make sure you check it out!**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter Eight: "The IQ of cheeseballs."**

Vincent glared angrily at the computer screen. He was trying desperately to find fansubs of Gundam Seed Destiny that actually WORKED, but all he kept getting were broken links or search engines. So he gave up. No, he doesn't have a lot of willpower.

Which is why the whole 'dating service' and 'detective' thing hadn't gone well. Their bicycle got hit by a bus and Sephiroth suffered minor injuries. The bus didn't do too well though.

As he wandered aimlessly into the living room, he tripped on a French fry that either Cloud or Aeris had brought home. Life loved him right now.

Sephiroth poked him and mumbled something. (Due to a lip injury, he had to have his mouth bandaged.)

Aeris stepped in. "Hold on, I'll translate." She put her ear close to Sephiroth's mouth.

"He says he has a good idea for a new job you guys can do."

"Mhmm, and what would that be?" Vincent asked, peeling the offending French fry off of his foot.

Sephiroth mumbled something else to Aeris. "He says you two can start a pet-sitting service!"

"WHAT?" Vincent exclaimed. "Taking care of Red is bad enough!"

"Hey, I'm house-trained!" Red protested.

Vincent rubbed his temples. "How are you supposed to take care of pets when you can't even yell at them?"

Sephiroth glared.

The doorbell rang, and Vincent stalked off to meet the unlucky person that had to deal with the ticked-off vamp—ah, person.

"Hello!" Fayt said with a smile to the rumpled man. "I hear you're starting a pet-sitting service?"

Vincent's eyes bulged.

Fayt started sweating a little. "Well—I just came to drop off Albel here. What time can I pick him up?" Albel chewed off a piece of the porch.

"Sorry, he doesn't qualify." Vincent told Fayt through gritted teeth.

Fayt's face fell. "Oh…nobody else will take him either…"

"OHMIGOSH, IS THAT ALBEL?" Yuffie shrieked.

"Goodbye," Vincent said, and slammed the replacement front door in Fayt's face.

"HEY, YOU MEANIE!" Yuffie ran over, picked up Vincent, threw him into the kitchen, then ran out the front door.

Reno looked rather—shocked. "Is this how you people normally behave?"

Zack nodded. "Yup. You should see us when we're drunk."

Sephiroth wandered over to the kitchen and poked Vincent with a stick.

"Triceratops," Vincent mumbled.

"WAIT! Don't wake him up!" Zack shouted. "He'll be nicer when he's sleeping!"

Cloud nodded. "Yup. Vincent's always a little edgy during this time of month."

Reno choked on his yogurt spoon.

"Yup. It's almost the full moon."

Tifa narrowed her eyes. "Isn't that for werewolves?"

Zack's chin dropped. "Vincent's a werewolf? And we never knew?"

Sephiroth stared. Because—that's all he can do.

Tifa gasped. "Maybe he didn't want us to know! Maybe he got teased about it as a kid or something."

"That's ridiculous!" Cloud stated.

Reno, Red, and Aeris nodded.

"Vincent would never keep anything secret from us! He probably just hasn't had the chance to tell us yet!"

Reno, Red, and Aeris fell over, ala Fruits Basket.

Aeris groaned. "The people I'm living with have the IQ of cheeseballs."

Outside, Fayt was desperately trying to keep Yuffie away from Albel, and Albel from eating Yuffie.

* * *

Vincent was having a wonderful dream. A dream where the pea tribe of southeast Asia was dancing around in circles in pink tutus. It was very relaxing.

Until, of course, he heard voices from up above.

"It's almost midnight! He should start to change any minute now!"

"How many times do I have to tell you? He's not a werewolf!"

Vincent groaned.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! IT'S ALIVE!" Zack screeched. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

"Here guys," Tifa walked in. "I got the crosses, holy water, rosary..here, I sharpened some sticks too."

Cloud stared at her. "Those are pencils Tifa."

"I cannot BELIEVE we are even discussing this!" Aeris shouted. "Vincent's our friend, and even if he was a vampire or werewolf we'd just put him into maximum security, not kill him!"

Vincent sat up. "That's nice to know, Aeris."

Zack fainted. Tifa started tossing pencils at Vincent.

Vincent rubbed his eyes. "Sorry I was being such an idiot earlier. I think that burger I ate was bad. Whoops, no offense Aeris."

"None taken." Aeris smiled.

Cloud's brain automatically switched from 'Vincent's a werewolf' to 'OMG, COMPETITION!'

Anyways, ignoring him for a little while…

"So, you're not really a werewolf?" Tifa looked disappointed. She dropped the rest of her pencils on the floor.

"Uh, no." Vincent said. "They're not real."

"But…Van Hellsing…"

Meanwhile, Reno realized that midnight was an insane time to be up for someone who had to work the next day. Or rather today. Whatever. So he put his un-finished yogurt in the fridge and went to sleep on the couch.

Yuffie came in the house. She had been outside snogging Albel's shoe, which Aeris had forbid her to bring into the house.

"Oh, hey Vincent! See you're up. Sorry about the whole 'throwing you into the kitchen' thing.

Vincent gently touched the bruise on the back of his head.

Sephiroth ran out of the bathroom! "YAY! THE WORLD IS FINALLY HAPPY!"

"Uh, why?" Cloud asked. "Did someone finally invent a deodorant that doesn't smell weird?"

Sephiroth used his psychic powers of DOOM to throw the leftover Wendy's fries at Cloud.

"No! I can talk again!" Sephiroth huffed.

Cloud chewed a fry thoughtfully. "And that's a good thing?"

Aeris, being the smart person she is, knew that this could end up in a major fight that could destroy the rest of the house. And the town. And the country. So she used her Jedi mind-trick to make everyone like each other again.

…Or she would of, had she been a Jedi. But since she wasn't, she went to bed and left everyone else to duke it out.

--To be continued

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**As usual, please review! I'm handing out pieces of the fry Vincent tripped over, if anyone's interested….. **

**Oh, and Vincent's Gundam Seed Destiny predicament was inspired by me. Luckily, the first GSD DVD is going to be released soon. (dances)**


	9. The Obligatory Holdiay Chapter

**Happy Holidays, readers! I meant to post this a heckuva lot earlier, but there was the small problem that it wasn't finished. In case anyone noticed, I've upped the rating to K err plus, because everyone's going to get tipsy in the New Year's chapter. XD**

**Err, and sorry about the extra story not being posted yet—it's not _quite _finished. (pelted)**

* * *

**Chapter Nine: The Obligatory Holdiay Chapter**

One slightly chilly day, Sephiroth was walking past Yuffie and Aeris' bedroom when he noticed something. A day on Yuffie's Gundam Seed calendar was circled in bright red. Approaching the calendar, he noticed that the day that was circled was December 25th.

OH NUES! CHRISTMAS HAD SNUCK UP ON HIM AGAIN!

Sephiroth barreled down the stairs, knocking over Reno and Red who were going out to sunbathe.

"Vincent!" he yelled running towards the kitchen. Unfortunately he slipped on a piece of bologna, hit his head on the coffee table, and never quite made it.

--

Sephiroth could hear voices.. far off in the distance…they were saying something..

"_There, that ought to be enough ice."_

"_Yuffie, what? ACK! Don't put the ice in a plastic bag! It's on his nose! Get it off!"_

Sephiroth sat up quickly, sucking air. The 5-pound bag of ice that had formerly sat on his head slipped off and onto the floor.

"Oh, you're awake," Yuffie said, sounding slightly disappointed.

Sephiroth glared at her, feeling the back of his head throb in pain at the loss of the ice. "What are you trying to do? Suffocate me?"

"Well.." Yuffie began, but was cut off by Vincent bursting through the newly repaired front door.

"LORD VOLDEMORT HAS RETURNED!" he shouted.

"_Shhh!" _Zack hissed. _"Don't say his name!" _

Then Vincent and Zack proceeded to drag a very large Christmas tree through the door, managing to scrape both walls at the same time. This elicited several moans of misery from Cloud.

"Yes! Tree!" Sephiroth jumped up in glee, but hit his head on the ceiling.

"Hey! Show respect for the great Dark Lord!" Zack said, gesturing towards the tree.

"Eh, Zack.." Vincent started, catching an Evil look from Yuffie. "Enough about the tree."

"You named the TREE after Harry Potter's arch nemesis! How _dare _you!" Yuffie shrieked, slapping Zack and Vincent consecutively. "Re-name it Sirius!"

"Well.." Cloud started, tearing his eyes away from the gashes in the wall. " Aeris, maybe you and I should bake some cookies. Do you want to make sugar, or heywhatdoyouwantforchristmas chocolate chip?"

Vincent chortled. Cloud could be incredibly obvious sometimes.

While Aeris proceeded to tell Cloud that she wanted to make sugar Iwantsomethingshiny cookies, Zack and Vincent got the tree set up in the living room corner.

--

"HOLY CHEESEBALL!" Rufus shrieked, grabbing Red and running back inside, where it wasn't 1 degree.

--

"Now, the secret to a successful Christmas dinner is..well, make everything taste good."

"Yeah, like that makes anything easier."

Vincent thwapped Sephiroth on the head. "Be quiet. Now, a few days from now, you and I will be solely responsible for cooking Christmas dinner. Get psyched."

Sephiroth groaned. "I don't see why you had to rope _me _into this. Couldn't you have gotten Cloud to help you?"

Vincent hit him again. "Right now Cloud is focused on getting Aeris something for Christmas."

Sephiroth blew raspberries at Cloud, who was standing in the living room thinking.

--

Aeris dragged the big wad of tape and wrapping paper out to the shed, and put it in the trash can. Yuffie had many problems, but one of her major ones was wrapping gifts. Aeris had to untangle her from the tape five times before she was finally finished.

Aeris had finished her shopping and wrapping a few weeks ago, being the efficient person she is. She had gotten both Vincent and Sephiroth bottles of hairspray to carry around with them because, for crying out loud, they kept zapping people! (Anyone with long hair knows about the STATIC problem.)

--

Christmas Eve came rather quickly. Twenty minutes before dinner, Cloud had grabbed Zack and said that he needed to do some last-minute shopping.

"YOU BETTER BE BACK FOR DINNER!" Sephiroth screeched, his hair coming lose from the net. Vincent grabbed him by the collar and pulled him back into the kitchen.

Because of the—err—incident that occurred the last time Sephiroth cooked, Vincent put him on strict no-oven-or-stove-orevenmicrowave-usage duty. Unfortunately, this meant that what was left was mostly chopping. Which Sephiroth did gleefully. Vincent spent most of the time staying near the stove and fearing for his limbs.

--

An hour later, nearly everyone was stuffing their faces and asking where Vincent learned to cook so well. ('Of course, _I_ don't get any credit..' Sephiroth muttered.) They had decided to start eating without Zack and Cloud because they were forty minutes late. And Yuffie had grabbed the meat cleaver and hacked the turkey in several pieces.

Cloud and Zack came in through the front door a few minutes later. They were both very frozen, however, Cloud looked ecstatic and Zack looked peeved.

"He dragged me around _five_ jewelry stores several times!" he whined, sliding into a chair next to Vincent. "HEY! Who ate all the cranberry relish?"

Yuffie had dumped the whole dish of cranberry relish on her plate. She had declared she was a 'cranberry-tarian' for the night and was refusing to eat anything else.

While Sephiroth tried to shove some stuffing down Yuffie's throat, Cloud sat down next to Aeris, grinning ear to ear.

--

Vincent, Sephiroth, Yuffie, and Zack were all tripping over themselves to get upstairs that night. (Because Santa Clause doesn't come when you're awake.) Cloud and Aeris were downstairs in the living room (Cloud appeared to be slightly nervous) and Reno and Red were sitting on the couch, looking expectant.

Cloud coughed. "Uh, guys, I need to talk to Aeris alone."

Reno and Red nodded.

"That means you can't be here."

Red growled and they both slunk off.

--

"Are you sure we should be doing this?" Sephiroth whispered.

"No," Vincent replied quietly. "But I want to see what Cloud got her!"

(Please note at this time that both Vincent and Sephiroth are clad in candy-cane pajamas.)

Both dweebs pressed their ears to the wall that the living room and the stairs shared.

"_I can't hear!" _Sephiroth whined.

Sephiroth and Vincent were practically One With the Wall when they heard Cloud say something. There was a brief silence, then a squeaky, girly shriek from Aeris that practically brought the re-patched walls down.

"It may be wise to leave now.." Vincent muttered.

Sephiroth nodded assent. "Yeah before Santa comes….and the weird noises start.."

-Happy Holidays!

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**Now, since it's the Holiday Season, if you review, you get anything you want. Just ask! **

**I would have made a more fluffy Cloud 'n Aeris scene, but my mother reads this. XD **


	10. The Beach of DOOM

**Okay, first of all—ALMOST 100 REVIEWS! I AM UNWORTHY! T.T Thankies so much..(worships reviewers)**

**Second of all..sorry for not updating. I'm pathetic! Really! (All I can say is that I'm obsessed with LJ.) And since it's a _little _too late for the New Year's fic, the characters will have to get drunk in a different situation.**

**THIRD of all, the extra story IS coming! It IS! Wahh, I suuuck…**

**Er, fourth. This story is based on an actual occurrence. My mother, me, and my siblings drove down to a new beach in the county next to us. Let's just say the experience was somewhat akin to the one Vincent and Sephiroth have. XD**

**I don't own Final Fantasy VII. (GASP, I put a disclaimer!)**

**-------------------------------------------------------------**

**Chapter Ten: The beach of Doom.**

The next evening Vincent was riding on his motorcycle, and Sephiroth was riding on his tricycle. They were on their way home from Wendy's (Cloud wouldn't let them go anywhere else) when Vincent had a brilliant idea!

He stopped his motorcycle. "Hey Seph! I've got a brilliant idea!"

Sephiroth leaned over the handles of his tricycle, panting heavily. It wasn't easy to keep up with a motorcycle that was going 40 miles per hour.

Ignoring Sephiroth's plight, Vincent continued. "You know that new beach that opened up a few miles down from here? I wanna check it out!"

"LOOK, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO, JUST GET OFF THE ROAD!" an angry voice screeched from one of the many cars jammed behind them.

---

"Umm..the knee?"

"Good. Now where is the collarbone located?"

Zack scratched his head. He'd decided he wanted to apply for a job as a medical assistant, and Aeris was helping him out. Unfortunately, he wasn't doing very well.

"Umm..the stomach?"

Aeris slammed the book shut. "Zack, you're obviously not cut out for this job! It's way too advanced for you!"

"No! I can't give up!" Zack persisted. "Have you seen those commercials advertising for this job? I'd be working with all those beautiful women!"

Aeris hit him over the head with the 'Your body and You' book.

---

"Ah, Vincent?"

"…"

"VINCENT!"

"WHAT?"

"Don't you think it's kind of dark to be going to the beach? Can't we go tomorrow?"

"NO! I wanna go now!" Vincent threw a hissy fit and fell off his motorcycle.

"Okay, fine! We'll go!"

Vincent hopped back on.

15 MINUTES LATER:

Vincent and Sephiroth stared down the dark tunnel of Trees. Deciding that he couldn't ride on the bumpy road for fear of having an extremely sore behind later on, Vincent tied his motorcycle to a tree(he used a really big leaf) and followed Sephiroth and his trike into the darkness.

---

Cloud was having some quiet time all to himself. This normally didn't happen, but when he was going into the basement to see what Valentine's Day decorations they had, the door slammed on him and got stuck.

It was rather nice actually. The only annoying noise down here was the freezer running, and that was nothing compared to Zack's snoring or Tifa's frequent insistence that vampires were going to strike in the middle of the night or whatever.

Grabbing one of Aeris' beloved ice cream sandwiches, he settled down to enjoy the quiet.

---

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Vincent and Sephiroth were thoroughly freaked. What was supposed to be a lovely little beach was the Beach of Doom.

Everywhere they turned it was DARK! And there were TREES on the left and REALLY TALL GRASS on the right and PORTA-POTTIES behind them and WATER in front of them.

"AHHHH!" Sephiroth repeated. "We're DEAD! I told you we never should have come here! IT'S FREAKY!"

Vincent shuddered. "And it STINKS!"

"Let's get out of here!" Sephiroth squeaked.

All of the sudden, there was a rustling in the Really Tall Grass. Vincent and Sephiroth receded so far back they were up against the porta-potties.

Vincent covered his eyes. "This is the end for us!"

A small figure emerged from the grass, holding a Really Large Camera. "Johnny?" it questioned.

Sephiroth fainted.

---

"Hey, Reno, have you seen Cloud?" Aeris asked.

Reno didn't even look up from his book. "Nope, haven't seen him."

Aeris chewed nervously on a hangnail. She was afraid Cloud had finally snapped and gone and shoved himself into an empty soda can or some sort of weird suicide. He had been doing so well too—he had even voluntarily cleaned the kitchen. Wait—that was insane.

---

When Sephiroth came to, he was seeing upside-down and all he could see was Vincent's motorcycle. He sat up.

"GOOD! You're awake! Let's get out of here!" Vincent exclaimed. "Here, put this on!"

Sephiroth caught the helmet and fumbled with it for a second before realizing that he was putting it on backwards. "Wait-what?"

"We're leaving!"

"I know that, but—WHY IS THAT THING ON MY TRICYCLE?"

Vincent finished tying the squirming photographer to the tricycle. "Hey, I couldn't just leave her here! She kept screaming 'Johnny' and trying to fly over the water!"

"But.." Sephiroth spluttered. "That's the woman that ran me over!"

Vincent stared at him. "But—that was a grown lady! This is a cute little pixie! She says her name's Micki."

"Hi," Micki squeaked.

Sephiroth glared at it. "Well, whatever! But she's still on my tricycle! What am I going to ride on?"

"…"

"HAVE YOU GONE MENTAL?" Sephiroth spazzed. "I'M NOT RIDING WITH YOU! PEOPLE ARE GOING TO GET THE WRONG IDEA!"

"WHAT PEOPLE? THE SERIAL KILLERS THAT ARE GOING TO MURDER US?" Vincent screeched. We're out here in the middle of nowhere, and if we don't leave now we're going. to. DIE!"

"Johnny!" Micki squeaked.

"SHUT UP!" Sephiroth screamed, then slumped against the motorcycle. "My head hurts."

Then, a mysterious noise came from the abandoned house a few yards behind them. There was the opening and shutting of a door, then foot steps on gravel.

Vincent's eyes bugged out of his head. He hurriedly finished tying the tricycle to the motorcycle, then hopped on.

Sephiroth started screaming frantically and running around in circles.

"GET ON, MAN! I'M STARTING IT UP!"

Micki blanched.

Sephiroth got on backwards, not caring that he had nothing to hold onto.

And so two men and a photographer/Johnny Depp obsessed pixie drove off screaming into the night.

---

Yuffie the obsessed Gundam Seed fangirl, was staring at her beloved collection of Destiny pictures that she had printed off and organized into a folder. (Cloud had yet to figure out that it was her who used up all of the colored ink.) Reno was leaning over the couch and looking at her folder, as he had finished his book.

Yuffie happily flipped to the (name censored out for spoilers) section and prepared to happily enjoy his wonder-fullness.

"Hey, I've seen that guy before!" Reno commented. "He croaks at the end of the series."

Yuffie's expression of joy turned to one of pure rage. Reno suddenly found his mouth stuffed with a Gundam Seed picture folder.

"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU." Yuffie told him.

---

A few minutes later, Reno's back slammed against the basement door, knocking it open. Having barely dodged Reno tumbling down the stairs head-first, Cloud decided that the basement wasn't safe and went back up.

---

Aeris sat at the kitchen table, eating one of her Emergency ice-cream sandwiches. Cloud came into the kitchen, looking for clean socks. (Don't ask.)

Aeris dropped her ice-cream sandwich.

"You're okay!" she exclaimed, hugging Cloud. "I was afraid you'd suffered Death By Soda!"

Cloud sweatdropped.

---

Vincent, Sephiroth, and Micki the Pixie came home to a house where Aeris was crying over Cloud, Zack was watching a community college video tape, and Reno desperately dodging shurikens.

"Ah, it's good to be home," Vincent commented.

"Yeah, it's nice to feel safe in a house where people are emotionally unstable and there are pointy objects being thrown through the air," Sephiroth added.

Micki squeaked.

---

"Aren't you glad we got this house, Albel?" Fayt asked. "It's in a remote area where NOBODY will ever come, and that means you can't kill anyone!" He grinned.

Albel glared at him.

Maria walked up the driveway. "Didn't you hear those people down here earlier?"

"There were people here?" Fayt asked. "Wow, I just thought those were the mountain lions."

"There aren't mountain lions in the woods, idiot," Albel snapped.

--The End

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**Yes, there were really porta-potties. **

**Yes, Micki the Pixie is my mother. It's up to the readers if she stays. (laughs)**

**Yuffie's reaction to Reno is based on my reaction to my sister when she partially spoiled the end of Destiny to me. Apparently more then one person dies, though, so don't give me any info! (spoiler-phobic)**

**The Beach of Doom was actually a pretty scary experience. (Although we didn't get out of the car.) The tunnel of trees was there, along with the abandoned house. There was also a creepy old, white Jeep that I didn't get to incorporate into the story. **

**Oh, and Zack's 'beautiful women' comment—where I live, they advertise community colleges a lot. In the medical assistant commercials, they always use attractive women. :P**

**REVIEW:3 And check out my LJ! in my profile(shameless plug)**


	11. One Black Crayon

**I AM SO SOOORY! Please forgive me for not updating! Once again, I have no excuses. T.T I've been excited about Kingdom Hearts 2, that's it! (excuse)**

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**Chapter Eleven: One Black Crayon**

One day Tifa and Zack were playing a lively game of solitaire. Well, sort of.

Zack squirmed. "Tifa, when's it going to be my turn?"

Tifa threw her empty root beer glass at him. "Solitaire is a one-person game, dummy!"

Zack examined the glass. Finding it completely empty, he tossed it aside. "So, Yuffie lied to me then!"

"Duh."

Zack looked at the cards. "Can we play go fish?"

---

Cloud sat on the couch, watching soap operas. He had a day off because there had been a chickenpox outbreak at work. At the moment, Aeris was sitting in her bed watching Fruits Basket with calamine lotion smeared all over her.

Vincent walked into the living room, wearing an extremely large, pink, and fluffy hat.

Cloud stared at him for a minute. Then he remembered that it was Vincent.

Vincent sat down on the couch.

"Hey Vincent, where's Sephiroth? I thought you two were coloring get well cards for Aeris."

Vincent sighed. "We were, but then we ran out of black. Seph's at the store getting some more crayons."

Cloud raised an eyebrow. "Can't you color _without _black?"

Vincent gasped. "How dare you! This is black we're talking about here! Black is the color of cool things including picture outlines, tar, and MY HAIR! My pretty, silky, conditioned-twice-a-day hair!" Vincent waved his hair in Cloud's face. "You feel it?"

Cloud inched back towards the end of the couch. "Ah, yeah, I believe you."

---

Aeris reached for the remote that was laying on her nightstand. For some weird, inane reason, her DVD player had turned itself off right in the middle of her favorite episode! (Episode four, for those of you that are interested.) She grabbed the remote, but her hand was slick with lotion, and thus the remote seemingly jumped out of her hand and flew half-way across the room.

Aeris sighed in exasperation, and got out of bed. However, she tripped on her pink bunny slippers and fell on her face.

Aeris pushed herself up and hit her head on the nightstand drawer, which knocked the lamp over, which fell on her dresser and cracked.

Then just as Aeris was untangling her hair from the drawer knob, her DVD player went nuts and shot the Fruits Basket DVD out at high speed right towards the wall.

---

Thwack.

Thwack.

Reno started crying. Yuffie had been hitting him on the head with various objects for who knows how long, and he was developing several bruises. He was just about to give up fighting and shout out 'Yuffie, you're the greatest person in the world and I will buy you all of the unedited Gundam Seed Destiny DVDs when they come out,' when a DVD sawed right through the wall and shaved the top of Yuffie's head.

---

"..I mean, what's the point of soap operas anyways? It's either people tricking each other, killing each other, or schloping all over each other! Disgraceful! They should make these actors do community service!"

Cloud was on the verge of strangling Vincent. He had been complaining about soap operas for the last 47 minutes and 27 seconds--28 seconds--29 seconds…

Where the heck was Sephiroth when you needed him?

---

"Look, I'm sorry, but we just _cannot_ sell you only black crayons!"

Sephiroth glared at the salesclerk. "Listen to me you doofus. A pack of crayons only comes with one black crayon. How is one enough to color stuff like the outlines of pictures, tar, and people's hair?"

The clerk drummed his fingers on the Help Desk. "Well, you do have a point…"

The next day two people were seen protesting outside the local Crayola factory.

---

Cloud had a pillow-case and was about to stuff Vincent in it and throw him out the window when Yuffie came pounding down the stairs.

Cloud dropped the case in shock. "Yuffie..your hair..what?"

She slapped him, then stalked over to Vincent.

Vincent was just about to get into how lame it was for a soap-opera character to have amnesia when a very angry Yuffie appeared in his face.

"I have searched all over this house.." she gritted her teeth, "and I cannot find a single baseball cap, headband, bonnet or even a small blanket! SO GIVE ME THE HAT YOU PONCE!"

Vincent fearfully handed it over.

Aeris figured her fever had run too high.

And Zack lost at Go Fish 27 times.

--tbc

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**Take pity on me and review, even though I was bad. Pweeze?**


	12. Sephiroth's Family Issues

**I have one thing to say: Hay fever sucks. That is all. T.T**

**Ok, I'm not quite done yet. I sort of don't really know where I'm going in this, so any suggestions would be much appreciated! And for this fic, Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz are Seph's little brothers. Because that's funny. :p**

**Just 11 days until Advent Children! (tears of joy) I shall sporadically jump up and lick the TV whenever Kadaj appears. O.o

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**

**Chapter Twelve: Sephiroth's Family Issues**

The next day Micki the Pixie was sitting on Vincent's lap, eating raspberry-flavored licorice and watching Pirates of the Caribbean with him and Sephiroth. Micki was quite content; however, something seemed to bother Sephiroth.

Vincent plopped Micki down on the floor and turned to stare at Sephiroth. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," Sephiroth said hollowly.

"Sephiroth, something's wrong. Your wrists are sweating."

"No, they're not." Sephiroth sat on his wrists.

Vincent glared.

Sephiroth cowered. "OK! My—little brothers want to come over."

Vincent grinned. "That's great!"

Sephiroth's eyes bulged. "No, it's not! They're INSANE!"

Vincent scoffed. "Compared to you? They can't be THAT bad."

"Uh yes, they can. Here, I'll get a picture."

Vincent waited a few minutes, listening to Micki chomp licorice and Sephiroth trip up and then down the stairs.

"Okay, here's the picture. It was taken a few years ago."

"Uh—they all look like you."

"Scary isn't it? Anyways, this one's Yazoo." Sephiroth pointed to a figure in the picture.

"..I thought you said you only had brothers."

Sephiroth sighed. "Well, I guess Mother wanted a girl after I came. So she grew his hair long and always put him in dresses."

Vincent raised an eyebrow. "But he looks at least twenty in this picture."

"Permanent mental damage."

"Oh…"

"Anyways, the one with the buzz cut is Loz. He's very emotionally unstable and cries a lot. Yazoo picked on him a lot when we were kids."

"Ok…"

"And this—vertically challenged one is Kadaj. Don't say the S-word around him, or he WILL shoot you."

Vincent blinked. "What S-word?"

"You know, S-H.."

"Why would I say that?"

Sephiroth hit him with the picture. "S-H-O-R-T! That's what you can't say!"

Once Vincent had sounded out the letters in his head, it clicked. "Oh..So when are they coming over?"

"Well, I'd like to say never. But….Yazoo has a way of extracting information out of me."

**--Flashback--**

A 15-year-old Sephiroth sat on his bed, nursing a sore mouth. Orthodontists are sadists. Evil, evil sadists.

Yazoo sauntered into the room. He had fishhooks. This was not going to be pretty.

**--End Flashback--**

Sephiroth shuddered. "He threatened to sit on me and pull the braces opposite directions with the fishhooks if I didn't tell him all about my current girlfriend. I haven't had a girlfriend since then."

"Soo, I take it he knows the address then?"

Sephiroth nodded miserably.

"Does Cloud know that they're coming?"

"No."

"We're doomed."

"Yup."

---

Zack walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, where Cloud was eating his cereal and reading 'Gone With the Wind'. Don't ask.

"Hey, have you seen Yuffie?" Zack asked.

"No, why?"

"Well, I ordered some hair regrowth treatment…"

"Zack, if you tell her that, she will kill you."

---

Vincent burst into the kitchen. Or he would of, if it had a door.

"Cloud, we've got a problem!"

Cloud continued reading. "Did Reno get his ponytail stuck in the toilet again?"

Vincent shook his head viciously. "No, worse! Sephiroth's insane siblings are coming over!"

"So? The house can't get any crazier."

Vincent grabbed the book and threw it out the window. "No, you don't get it! There's a homicidal transvestite, a manic depressant, and another homicidal short guy coming over!"

Someone knocked on the front door.

Vincent peeked out the kitchen window. "GACK! That's them!"

Sephiroth stuffed himself in the refrigerator.

--

Micki continued watching, occasionally snapping pictures of her licorice.

--

Zack was arguing with the lady on the phone who refused to allow him to cancel his order

--

Reno—got his hair stuck in the toilet again.

--To be continued!

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**BWAHA CLIFFHANGER! (shot) Review please, and give me some nutty ideas for the silver-haired trio!**


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